Rothschild's Scrooge; realistic portrayal 
Rothschild's Panto Scrooge Kills Tiny Tim

The world of UK Christmas panto was rocked this week by news that Jacob Rothschild, the world's richest man (estimated net worth £500 trillion) and also keen patron of the arts, is to play Scrooge at Bournemouth Pavilion Theater throughout the 2017 winter season. As a wizen old moneylender himself the casting had been widely considered insightful, also the trillionaire is rumored to have brought vital funding to the struggling production. However, co-stars Christopher Biggins, The Ghost of Christmas Past and Julian Clary, Bob Cratchit complained after Mr Rothschild demanded changes to the plot as part of his deal which the stars branded 'Not in the spirit of the original' including a new ending in which Scrooge callously ignores the warnings of the visiting ghosts causing the death of Tiny Tim on Christmas Day and a lifetimes indebted servitude for Bob Cratchit and his impoverished family.

The controversy came to a head last weekend when the Bournemouth local press were forced to deny allegations of bias towards Mr Rothschild after unanimously giving the panto's early showing five star ratings when crowds of agitated parents were seen leaving the theater at the end desperately trying to console their distraught children. Representatives of the Rothschild Group rejected claims they had the influence to control the 'boundless integrity' of the Bournemouth press as 'groundless conspiracy theories' but traumatised theatergoers, still capable of speaking after witnessing the show, claimed the new alternative final scene was 'horrific' and described Tiny Tim's coffin being wheeled out whilst Scrooge sings God Bless Ye Merry Gentlemen then tells Bob Cratchit that he must go back to work on Boxing Day because he can no longer rely upon Universal Credit payments as 'the worst moment of their Christmas lives'.

Mr Rothschild defended his changes back in his dressing room whilst enjoying a warm brandy and watching one of his flunkies flog a stagehand, 'Being a moneylender myself, I feel I have a deep empathy with the Scrooge character so, therefore, intuitively understand how he would react given this challenging financial environment. Also, and perhaps more importantly, I am now the main financial contributor to the show and if the director refuses I have him shot. Surely, it is irresponsible to give children unrealistic dreams especially at Christmas, and that is why wealthy philanthropists like myself fund the arts so that, in the end, culture only mirrors the aspirations of the few. For this reason we, by which, of course, I mean I, felt it important to imbue the show with the true spirit of the modern UK Christmas by portraying this classic Dickensian character as the mad man he would be today. After all, just imagine how mad I must be, knowing that every Christmas I could simply give away half of my fortune - (£250 trillion!) much, much more than I, or any other man, or government, or country, or hemisphere could ever spend in a lifetime- to the poor and needy of this world, fully alleviating their abject poverty in one fell swoop and saving most of humanity in the process- but I don't for one good reason. That's right, I'm absolutely fucking mad. Heh, heh. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes - Merry Christmas to you all. Now get out of my dressing room or I'll have you assassinated.' 

Julian Clary was typically candid about the fiasco unfolding at the Pavilion Theater and dryly commented, 'This is what happens when you let rich people fund the arts... Look - everything is fine really, pretty much till near the end when you get the feeling everything's not going well when Scrooge asks the boy in the street what day it is and, after telling him it's Christmas Day, he is arrested for disturbing the peace and given a ASBO. But when Tiny Tim's coffin is finally wheeled out and we all shout 'Behind you!' then Scrooge starts singing, the entire audience pull a face like they're shitting out a box of crackers, a slay full of presents and eight prancing reindeer all at once. Not very Christmassy at all really.'

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52 mins ago - An open letter has questioned the appointment of Rupert Murdoch's daughter to ArtsCouncil England's governing body and called for the decision to be reversed, condemning the appointment as against the stated values of the arts funding body.

Montage of beautiful christmas pictures to the song 'god rest ye merry gentlemen sung by the choirs of Bath and Winchester

World Bollotics

Jerusalem: like stealing candy from a Palestinian baby
Bibi Commands World Accept Biblical Reality

This week a God-like Benjamin Netanyahu commanded the world accept, as reality, his latest decree to move Israel's capital from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. Speaking from on top a cloud floating somewhere over the Middle East the Israeli Prime minister who, back on Earth currently faces multiple corruption investigations and mass protests from thousands of disillusioned Israelis sick and tired of his, and his party [Likud]'s, perpetual controversies, cited the bible, his favourite book, as historical proof of the Holy City's ancient ownership.

After his statement a raft of fellow loonies sprang from the cracks in the proverbial Waling Wall all keen to exploit the growing international trend of discarding reality in favour of arse about tit legends and gobbledebollocks myths. First in the running, and announced a mere twenty minutes after the Israeli leader's statement, new plans for a museum in Jerusalem dedicated to Noah, also starring in the Bible, which will display actual parts of the Ark first used to save mankind from a similarly wrathful God. Arti-'facts' will include the ancient, but startlingly Black and Deckerish looking tools, used for the Ark's construction surprisingly unearthed in the cellar of a newsagents in Haifa. Also, astonishingly, the very canoe we are told Noah used to go to Australia, amongst several 'other' far-flung places, with his sons to collect two baboons, two kangaroos and two Koala bears and bring them back to safety. Apparently.

Second in the running, but by no irrational means least, Israeli package holiday operators have announced new plans for a revolutionary 'drive-thru' tour of the Red Sea reenacting Moses' Biblical exodus from Egypt. Tour guides will be equipped with extra-powerful megaphones and demand the sea part, as in olden times, to let convoys of Transit vans through all packed to the brim with excited tourists and fellow religionists who can now enjoy a truly 'once in a life time', though not wholly dry, nevertheless 'Holy', experience.

Speaking amongst his fellow angels in an off guard moment Netanyahu proclaimed, under his breath and after furtively darting his beady eyes about, 'For a bunch of supposed atheists, the West's understanding of the 20th century is already polluted with more ludicrous myth and absurd legend than the Old Testament and the New Testament put together, so this should be as easy as stealing candy from a Palestinian baby. Let's face it, if they are prepared to believe that the God we invented ourselves just so happened to give us the land we have always coveted as our promised land from where we would rule unchallenged over the entire world, then they'll believe anything. Ha ha. Remember when we told them our high priests knocked over buildings using magic? Ha ha. That's right - of course I mean Jericho - of course, of course. of course. That time we told them it was trumpets. Ha ha. Trumpets! Some things never change and, luckily for us, one of those things is their credulous stupidity.'

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World Bollotics

Not artist's impression of Israel II 'The New Second Coming'
Trump Moves Israel To US

In an unprecedented move this week President Trump announced that Israel will be formally moved to the US. The news was unanimously welcomed by Arab leaders throughout the Middle East -along with a majority of world leaders- as it had been feared that Trump foolishly planned to move Israel's existing capital from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, a potentially disastrous step with grave ramifications for the Palestinian Israeli conflict almost certainly guaranteeing an escalation in hostilities, both across the entire region and into the global sphere by breaking the Holy City's 1948 UN-assigned neutral status originally established to minimize historical religious tensions. Islamic communities around the world, along with 98% of all Earth citizens, breathed a communal sigh of relief when White House officials announced a last-minute change in the presidents' plans and that the new occupied territories will be Trump's deserted Plaza in Atlantic City which will be renamed 'Israel II The New Second Coming' or 'The New Holy Land Atlantic City Heights Plaza Strip' for short and feature a two-thousand mile long 30 ft high 'Mexican-style' surrounding wall.

President Trump explained the thinking behind his plans in a Tweet made whilst eating a pizza on the toilet, 'This plan is a great plan. A plan which is truly great. Yes, truly, truly great. We first considered moving Israel's capital from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem but then, after I saw a great film last week called Cast A Giant Shadow where Kirk Douglas moves Israel from the Bible to Palestine, I thought if Kirk can move countries round like that why can't I? What a great movie. So, henceforthrighteously I have chosen to make the new Israel in Atlantic City and call it 'Israel II The New Second Coming' or 'The New Holy Land Atlantic City Heights Plaza Strip' for short, after some great advice from my truly great team of hand-picked advisers. Great advise and a great name. After all, America and Israel  already share many great policies like; great democracy, war, religion, secret nuclear weapons, normal nuclear weapons, lots of other weapons, new weapons, old weapons, conventional weapons, space weapons, chemical weapons, weapons in general, giving weapons to each other, especially us giving weapons to them, using weapons in wars, invasions, occupations, stealing countries, regime change, did I mention wars and weapons? Oh and money, Goldman Sachs and putting a huge 40 ft menorah in your front garden at Christmas. What great countries we both truly are. Happy Hanukkah to my best friend Benjamin Netanyahu. I love ya Bibi!'

This is not the first time Israel has been relocated as it was last moved from the minds of British politicians 100 years ago in 1917 onto a piece of paper called The Balfour Treaty which was then sent to Baron Lionel Walter Rothschild and drawn onto his extremely expensive map of the world. Speaking on the epochal events unfolding on the world scene, both now and over the past century, acclaimed peace activist and member of the recent Israeli and Palestinian Women's Peace March Professor Eirene Pax PhD, commented, 'Let's face it, the 100 years since it's [Israel's] last relocation have been a bit of a [coughs]... can I say headache? for everyone concerned, and unconcerned for that matter, so let's hope that Israel can finally get on with its new neighbours which, apparently, already outnumber existing Israelis in its present location.'

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Curtis's career in tatters after Goodmans video comes to light
Three Min Home Video Undermines Adam Curtis' Entire Career

International media analysts are claiming a three minute home video 'The Loving Trap' appears to undermine, in one fell swoop, the entire 25 year career of acclaimed BBC documentary maker Adam Curtis. Curtis is famous for creating the 'collageumentary', a technique of film making favouring style over substance, and responsible for several well known titles, including; All Watched Over By Machines Of Loving Grace (2011), Bitter Lake (2015) and the 2017 puesdo-intellectual mega hit 'Hyper-normalization'. Up until now, owing to their purposefully obfuscative nature, it had been considered practically impossible for any sane person to come up with a coherent criticism of Curtis's work but now a three minute long home video first posted on the humble internet seven years ago by Ben Goodmans threatens to change all that.

Glen Soya [52] an ex-Curtis fan from Bristol, commented about the video on YouTube, 'Brilliant! I was suspicious of Curtis the minute the bearded hipsters down the pub began loving his films. Now, the next time some craft beer drinking twat starts singing his praises I can tell them to google this video on their smartphone and stop talking shite.'
Jan 23, 2017 - Uploaded by L33T GUY
The Loving Trap is a short film by Ben Woodhams about famed BBC documentary film producer Adam Curtis ..

Ethan Harrison

For the record my real name is Glen Soya: Brilliant! I was suspicious of Curtis the minute the bearded hipsters down the pub began loving his films. The next time some craft beer drinking twat starts singing his praises I can tell them to google this video on their smart phone and stop talking shite.

Meet Adam Curtis, Establishment Contrarian - YouTube

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World Bollotics

Mugabe: If Hitler moustaches can comeback so can I!
Mugabe Evades Impeachment With World's Longest Speech 

Slippery Zimbabwean President Mugabe evaded impeachment earlier this week from members of the military coup threatening to overthrow him by delivering the world's longest speech. The 93 year-old tyrant was, at least, partially successful as his labyrinthine oratory lasted over 14 hours -with the embattled leader, at times, leaving gaps of up to 25 minutes between words- and so lengthy that it saw the death of over half his detractors from old age before ending. Tempers hit boiling point in the room packed with representatives of the armed forces allied against Mugabe when the mumbling leader pretended to make a mistake near the end and suggested that he, 'Go back to the beginning and start again?'

At the end of the speech one of the surviving generals sitting behind Mugabe grabbed the teetering pile of papers from the doddering despot then thrust them at an attending lieutenant and ordered him to go to Staples to get a 5 litre tub of Tippex [see video]. After his performance the president is reported to have been 'overwhelmed' with offers from international telecommunications companies interested in having him make their premium line recorded messages.

The fiasco has once again highlighted African politics's inability to be taken seriously by anyone who is not personally threatened by its shambolic and deadly uncertainties, though the UK's understanding of the story currently unfolding in poor Zimbabwe will, no doubt, be hampered by our own incoherent domestic reporting with the Times' international affairs editor leading the charge on BBC's The Papers 11/19 and vindicating her enormous salary by insightfully predicting the bleeding obvious; 'It's important what happens next!'

Previously, the world's longest speech was made by Mugabe's contemporary Zulu Chief Mangosuthu Buthelezi between the 12th and 29th March 1993 and lasted for a whopping 17 days but Mugabe's speech, by virtue of the number of words to its length, was judged by Guinness World Record staff as seeming 'a lot, lot longer.' President Mugabe himself is reported to be tired after his marathon efforts but still refuses to be downbeat about his perilous situation and, although army bosses have officially banned him from ever talking publicly again - 'until he is arrested', he was allowed to release one 'short' press statement in which he confidently claimed, 'If Hitler moustaches can make a comeback so can I!'   

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Longest legislative speech | Guinness World Records

Mar 29, 1993 - The longest speech made was one by Chief Mangosuthu Buthelezi, the Zulu leader, when he gave an address to the KwaZulu legislative assembly between 12 and 29 Mar 1993. He spoke on 11 of the 18 days, averaging nearly 2½ hours on each of the 11 days.